First Date Tips: Don’t Talk About Your Ex

February 14, 2015 3 min read

1. He Doesn’t Really Want to Know
This is a tough one for some women, but I strongly recommend you make this your standard dating policy. No matter what happened with your ex, please keep it to yourself on a first date and even second. A new guy doesn’t want to know your romantic war stories. Details of your divorce or why your relationship failed should not be discussed too soon.

Sometimes women go into what happened in all of their relationships or just the most recent one. Here’s a little known secret for understanding men: Even if they ask about your romantic history, they don’t really want to know who you’ve been with or how many relationships you’ve had.

Here’s a little help with understanding men. Crazy as it sounds, men prefer to think of you as a new discovery. Don’t spoil the illusion by sharing every heart-wrenching detail of your previous romances. This is a MASSIVE TURN OFF to men and nothing will make them walk away faster – even if a man seems riveted by your story telling.

2. Don’t Look Like a Romantic Failure
As you talk to your date about your romantic failures, you position yourself as a woman men leave, a women men can’t get along with or a woman who is impossible to please (among other possibilities). How can that ever help you look attractive to a new guy?

When it comes to understanding men, realize your date might think, “Maybe her ex left for a good reason.” Don’t take your date down this road. Zip your lips and don’t talk about your ex.

3.Talking about Your Ex is Like Bringing Him on Your Date
Here’s an important insight about dating; when you discuss your ex, it’s like bringing him with you on your date. Think about it – two is a romantic number, but three is a crowd. Then, if your date talks about his ex too, it’s like having a foursome and you could practically play bridge! That’s not so romantic. Leave your ex out of the conversation on your first date or you risk not getting a second.

4. Don’t Turn Your Date into a Bitch Session
If you meet a man who asks about your ex and why you got divorced or broke up, I encourage you to deflect the question and shift the conversation to more fun subjects. You can simply say, “I rather learn more about who you are and talk about that later.”

Even if your date talks about his ex, don’t follow in his footsteps because it won’t work in your favor. Your evening might spiral down into a “bitch session” which isn’t good for creating romance.

5. Talking about an Ex Demonstrates a Lack of Emotional Availability
Know that if your date spends a lot of time talking trash about his ex, that’s a strong signal he’s not over her yet. He’s still attached in some way and not emotionally available for you. His heart is not healed no matter how long it’s been.

Now, is that true about you too? Are you not really healed or relationship ready? You certainly don’t want to send that message about yourself. No way. You want to appear emotionally available, healed and relationship ready with very little baggage. So, don’t talk about your ex – case closed.

There you have it – my first date tips on why you don’t want to spend time talking about your ex. Follow this dating advice for women and you’ll have a lot more opportunities for second dates.

by Ronnie Ann Ryan

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